Saturday, 17 September 2011

How to dick with tourists.

Oh hi!

I've thought about my book a few times this week.
You know my book? The one I'm writing? No?
I thought everyone knew someone that was writing some old cock or other in the desperate hope that a publisher would pick it up and they'd have to supervise the actors on the film based on aforementioned book which would be made after they've presented a fucking Brit Award or some shit to some talentless twat of a twelve year old pop prodigy.

Oh yes, I'm one of those people.


Well you shouldn't be. I'm one of those people with one exception.

I already have my book written in my head and if it was ever made into a film it would be more mixed up than a can of Vimto wearing a sombrero smack bang in the middle of a seven way hermaphroditic orgy.

I know what you're thinking. It's not the tale of the fizzy drink from Mexico that sought fame and fortune in glitzy Hollywood and fell on hard times. Nope.
It's merely a collection of the most fun you can have whilst being a bit skint, a bit hammered and sometimes, not always, but every now and then, dare I say... a bit horny.

Ooh got your attention now haven't I!

So what the fuck is my book all about? Well if you knew to look in the buried pages of a certain drinky and sweary organisation's website, then you would know that I not only have a title but a planned release date:

Let me show you my workings.

Many years ago in college my buddy Tom showed me something really rather fantastic.
We were in Cambridge at the time and there was a metric shit ton of Japanese tourists roaming the area around Kings College. Understandably so as it is quite a picturesque area of the city centre:

We were walking around between classes discussing everything from what CDs were out that we couldn't afford to what the next progressive step our band Space Monkey should take to make it suck less.
(Interesting side note for listeners, the keyboards in the short lived Space Monkey were supplied by the one and only B Sydes!)
As we passed the front of one of the most prestigious colleges in the world Tom turned to me, pointed at the abundance of Japanese tourists and said

"Look at this lot.
Think for a second how many of
these people speak fluent English.
Watch this!"

He then proceeded to precede the practice of photo-bombing (This was the year 2001 after all!) by walking in the background of videos being taken by Asian families describing their surroundings, then calmly yet loudly stating the kind of paint peeling profanities you would now only be able to hear... well here.

There were quite a few instances of him doing this, the one that really sticks in my mind is the following:

Quite brilliant. In Tom's words: "I just like to think that in many years to come that family will be proudly showing off their 'We went to England' video and someone they know will be able to understand exactly what I've enthusiastically expressed in the background. Yes it's a long game, but one that makes me laugh my arse off..."

...And that dear reader is the point of all of this.
My book will be based on all of those things that cost nothing and yet give so much self satisfaction and no I am not talking about masturbation. Well, with the exception of that one story of when I worked for a popular fast food chain and that French bloke did that certain something to that certain something.

Ooh got your attention again haven't I!

To find out more you'll have to wait seven years and buy it used on Amazon or whatever.


C.J Rowling Hixon

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