Friday, 6 January 2012

An open letter to Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark,

I thought I'd write to you to see how things were going?
You doing ok man? How's the Mrs? I was drunk the other night when a thought occurred to me...

Does anyone ever offer to buy you a pint anymore?

It may seem like an odd question but then, I think you know that most people have little or no idea about what it's like to be a successful millionsquillionaire!
I would presume that when a handsome young thing such as yourself walks into a bar everyone stares and maybe even point at you muttering things like "There's that Zuckerberg kid, I bet he's wearing gold plated underpants, hand smelted* by Coco Chanel. Let's get him to buy US a round!" The bastards!
You know, some people just see you as a walking talking wallet as opposed to a normal bloke with normal everyday issues.
Look Mark. As a man with less than £2 to rub together, I understand that success means much more than merely mundane, monetary mastery.
No no. Success, much like most things in life, is all about context.
People judge people Mark and in your case they are most definitely jealous of your bank manager's happiness. Allow me to pose an example:

I: co-host the world's most popular podcast**. It's 100% self funded and thanks to my esteemed co-host Sir Bromley Daz's producing-by-eye skills, it sounds sweeter than having two pints of chocolate sauce poured over your eardrums.

You: have been a software developer for years, therefore I bet you can type more words per minute than 1000 monkeys with new MacBooks on speed.

I call success buddy! Let's high five!

As proof of how committed I am to celebrating minor successes in life I think now is a great time to light up a Cuban and open an underrated Chicago brewed beer:

But this is the thing bud, people must come at you with a million and one different ideas about how to utilise the Internet for the greater good***, but how many people ask your opinion of say Vancouver's goal stats for last season or your feelings on producing fancy trousers for prudish chickens...
That's right Mark, you heard, trousers for chickens!
Think of the marketing possibilities alone!
I'm sorry Mark, I'm behaving like all those other bastards with their crap ideas****.

Just because you invented Facebook people think that you might give a shit about their ideas that aren't nearly as good as trousers for chickens.

I guess what I wanted you to know was that if you ever wanted a brew and a fucking good swear you are more than welcome to sit in on China's favourite audio pastime, just lend us your chopper every now and then... you know, for beer runs.



*I did originally type "...hand beaten by Coco Chanel." but that just seemed sexy somehow.

**In China.

***Read as lots and lots of money.

****Even if trousers for chickens is the best idea EVER!

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