Sunday, 29 May 2011

An open letter to Polly Evans.

Dear Polly,

How are you doing these days?
I thought I'd write you this letter to make sure everything was OK and to tell you that I really hope that you've never had to ask yourself the question:

"Where did it all go wrong?"

I know that from the outside looking in, the primary attractions of regional news reporting are pant wettingly seductive. The glitz, glamour, the various opportunities to get pissed with Geoff Clark in one of Tunbridge Wells' many soulless discount pubs, all of the money, the fame, as much license-payer-funded tea as you can drink and of course the chance to correct people by loudly proclaiming the word "ROYAL" just after they say "Tunbridge Wells"
(Are those people born in caves? Honestly! It's written on the sodding sign!)
The thing is Polly, it isn't all it's cracked up to be is it? Oh sure at first the high octane, white knuckle job of reporting the pressing matters of the day direct from the heart of the garden of England has it's shine. The fact that you're paid five to ten percent more than your pal Nazaneen has to be a bit of an ego boost!
It means you can afford to get a few extra rounds in when propping up the bar with Geoff McHollow-Legs! Your clean cut, well groomed co-presenter Rob "Whatever-his-name-is-it-might-be-thornton-wait-no-it's-"Smith can be quite funny once in a blue moon! All of the aforementioned adds up to something that sure beats the hell out of an average office job doesn't it!?

But I can see through the forced smile Polly, We all can. Your buddy Nazzer now works at Sky News and let's face it in that environment she doesn't even need to be able to read let alone spell the word News! No Polly, she'll be presenting their accurate and not at all fictional version of the days events right in the top spot within the next few months based solely on her looks alone.
(Quite unfair in my opinion... although she is fit. (Citation Needed))
I have to say that if I were in your shoes, after a day of listening to Rob "Whatever-his-name-is-it-might-be-thornton-actually-who-cares-oh-wait-no-it's-"Smith bang on about Grovlington-On-Sea's annual Pig & Goat Fondling Contest whilst trying to bend his petite brain around a way to say the phrase "I've dated a few pigs!" without getting his wrists slapped by those upstairs, I'd need a little more than a few hours of getting pissed and bitching about Kaddy with Geoff to unwind. I mean let's face it,

This isn't what you signed up for!
You don't want this!

I think you should publicly vent your stresses, think about it.
There really isn't that Fleet Street (or wherever they print the papers now) hustle and bustle going on down here in the so-called garden of England. If only you could create your own brand of news. Something you could really sink your journalistic teeth into! What about that exact phrase? "The garden of England"? My buddy Dazzer and I have always claimed that depending on where you are in Kent, it's often the garden with the burnt out washing machine and some rusty parts of a Škoda from the 80's strewn over what used to be the lawn. What are your thoughts on that? Surly your opinions on how two drunks can very quickly tar an entire county in one very, albeit off the cuff, accurate statement have to be better than half of the 'round our way dross that you have to cover as part of your contract. Let's face it, on a slow news day, one where the children of Crumblish-On-Marsh Primary School haven't dragged their ape like knuckles in some paint then over some paper and had some Phil Collins listening, quiffed arsehole put the festering results up in his shitty little seaside art gallery, the boring fact that a borderline alcoholic such as myself can even dress himself let alone use entire sentences could well be your lead story couldn't it! That's quite sad Polly. You deserve to do better.
All you have to do is grab the news horse by the reins and let that sod know who is in charge around here!
The next time Rob "Whatever-his-name-is-it-might-be-thornton-actually-who-cares-seriously-who-could-give-a-crap-oh-wait-no-it's-"Smith ties up a segment on the ladies of the W.I in Greater Guffly Upon Squat making the worlds 48th largest trifle you could turn to him and say something akin to:

"Thanks Rob you gurning suit with hair.
That was the dullest crap ever.
(Turn to Camera)
...and from all of us here at
South East Today, try not to punch yourself too hard in the eye!.. Idiots."

Think about how satisfying that would be Polly! To be able to vent your spleen like that in a truly public way! Televised no less! Brilliant!
Let's face it your local competitors are in the same boat. I can see them jumping on top of that "story" like it was a super fun bouncy castle made out of Simon Cowell's face:

I must say I feel sorry for those that don't have their own sweary media outlet as I do. You see Polly, it's important to realise that letting off a bit of steam every now and then is one thing. Letting off a metric-shit-load of steam on a regular basis gives you the ability to take stock of the important things in life. Go on Polly have a vent every now and then!
I was talking to someone today who said she saw you debating AV one time and that you were quite passionate about the whole affair! The true reporter in you was all fired up apparently. I was told that you were so super awesome that you could well wake up tomorrow jack in the job at the Beeb and start a new career as a divorce attorney specialising in multi million pound suits and (I'm adding this bit) when you don't win a case you simply become a Ninja and Ninja the lawyer that beat you in court into little messy Ninja'd bits!


I guess what I'm trying to tell you Polly is that it's OK to not want to report the stupid local yokel non-news stories. Every now and then let loose on air and make it your own. If, however, you feel that auntie won't let that kind of thing fly then you know what Polly, you are always welcome to sit in on the last beacon of independent truth-bombs on the Internet! Yes Polly you are welcome to loudly (and drunkenly as is the style (No Citation Needed)) declare your frustrations as a correspondent for the world to hear on Liquid Inspiration Podcast any time you like.

And flip Rob the bird from me when you see him.


C.J Hixon Esq

Polly Evans presents BBC South East Today with Rob Smith on BBC1.

There is no evidence to suggest that they are not completley satisfied with their work and in real life are most likley good friends.

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